Crack-a-Jack

Dying Indian milkman

An Indian milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife, and nurse.
 
- He says his eldest son, to you, Shankar, I leave the Beverly houses.

- To you, my dear daughter Pooja, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
   
- To you, Akash, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
 
- And you, my dear wife Punam, the three residential building towers in downtown.

The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!
 
And the wife retorts:

Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!!?? Those are his routes where he delivers milk!!!

Officer, we just got off Route 142

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time"

"Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

"Test my urine for sugar!"

Kanjibhai approached the pharmacist with a small bottle and a spoon.

He poured some liquid onto the spoon and offered it to the pharmacist. "Would you taste this for me, please?" said Kanjibhai.

The pharmacist put it in his mouth, swilled it around, and swallowed it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" said Kanjibhai. "Not at all," said the pharmacist. 

"Oh, that's a relief. My doctor said you would test my urine for sugar!"

Authority and Stupidity

A DEA officer  stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the  rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown  drugs."

The rancher  said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out a  distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the  Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he  removed his badge and  proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I  am allowed to go wherever I  wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear..... do you understand???"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull...

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that  the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was  clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part….)

"Your  badge........ show him your BADGE!!"

Your Valentine

Two Free Tickets To The Show

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know!"

Shaadi

Ladki Mandir Mai: Hey Bhagwan kisi samajhdar Admi se meri shadi karwa do

Bhagwan: Ghar chali ja beti samajhdar Admi kabi shadi hi nahi karte...

Ultimate Truth

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, or married to someone else.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich, which never works.

If at first you don't succeed, Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules - Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late, the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster & the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper, if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for Engineering Students - If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus number 20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together & the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

Happy Onam - H1N1 Style

God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth.

Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.

God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, & (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time.

God agreed & said he would call the light "Day" & the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb & such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; & the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation & the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application & the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell...

Indian - American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbor went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .

The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.

Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails:

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain mails to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer..

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes. I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number & then I get a phone bill from with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys, and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times... (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria, Nigeria, UK who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of some hundred millions.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else).

All Household Appliances Come in White!

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum & goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge & asks him what is the color, to which the son replies:

"WHITE"

He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc, etc, and then he tells the son:

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

A Good Wife Can Balance your Life

Santa Singh Strikes Again

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill & cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs.

But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics... & since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat.. The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.

The Priest came to visit Santa, & suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass... & as the priest sprinkled holy water
over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, & raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful
aroma of tandoori chicken & meat kebabs filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors &, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary & prepared to scold him, he stopped & watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted:

"Oye, you were born a chicken, & you was born a lamb, you was raised a chicken,
& you was raised a lamb but now yara, you are a potato & tomato!"

Funny Matrimonial Adverts

CAR MECHANIC:

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average & must run the household at a good average...

Funny Matrimonial Adverts

DRUNKARD:

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preferred will carry me from bar to ghar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

Funny Matrimonial Adverts

SHAYAR (Poet):

Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai,
Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye,
Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi,
To yaaron ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi.

Funny Matrimonial Adverts

BANKER:

Wanted wife who takes interest in me & credits me with her service.

Funny Matrimonial Adverts

LAWYER:

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service & jurisdiction of My Lord, i.e., myself. Any objection would be overruled & will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.